Monday, November 18, 2013
Friday, September 20, 2013
Saturday, June 29, 2013
LITTLE JOHHY
Little Johnny: Mom, do you know what I’m going to give you for your birthday?
Mom: No, dear, what?
Little Johnny: A nice teapot.
Mom: But I’ve got a nice teapot.
Little Johnny: No you haven’t. I’ve just dropped it.
Mom: No, dear, what?
Little Johnny: A nice teapot.
Mom: But I’ve got a nice teapot.
Little Johnny: No you haven’t. I’ve just dropped it.
LISTEN TO JOE
Joe was sitting at a bar. He was totally depressed. The bartender, serving him a drink, asked what was wrong.
“I’ll never understand women.” – said Joe.
“The other night on my birthday, my wife said as my gift, I could do with her what I wanted.”
“Wow! That’s quite some gift.” – said the bartender.
“So why are you so dejected?”
“Well I thought about it for a while” said Joe, “and decided to send her home to her mother, and now she won’t even speak to me!”
YOU DIDN'T USE WHAT I GOT YOU LAST YEAR...
A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, “I’ll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.” Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn’t get her anything.
She says, “Why didn’t you get me a birthday present!?” He replies, “You didn’t use what I got you last year!”
WEIRD QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
How many cigars do you smoke a day?”
“About ten.”
“What do they cost you?”
“Twenty cents a piece.”
“My, that’s two dollars a day. How long have you been smoking?”
“Thirty years.”
“Two dollars a day for thirty years is a lot of money.”
“Yes, it is.”
“Do you see that office building on the corner?”
“Yes.”
“If you had never smoked in your life you might own that fine building.”
“Do you smoke?”
“No, never did.”
“Do you own that building?”
“No.”
“About ten.”
“What do they cost you?”
“Twenty cents a piece.”
“My, that’s two dollars a day. How long have you been smoking?”
“Thirty years.”
“Two dollars a day for thirty years is a lot of money.”
“Yes, it is.”
“Do you see that office building on the corner?”
“Yes.”
“If you had never smoked in your life you might own that fine building.”
“Do you smoke?”
“No, never did.”
“Do you own that building?”
“No.”
MOTHER
“Mother, can I have those apples on the sideboard?”
“Yes, dear!”
“Oh, I am so glad you said yes.”
“Why, are you so hungry?”
“No– but I’ve eaten them already.”
“Yes, dear!”
“Oh, I am so glad you said yes.”
“Why, are you so hungry?”
“No– but I’ve eaten them already.”
ITS MY COMPUTER
Customer: “I can’t seem to connect to the Internet.”
Tech Support: “Ah, right. What operating system are you running?”
Customer: “Netscape.”
Tech Support: “No, what version of Windows are you using?”
Customer: “Uhhh…Hewlett Packard?”
Tech Support: “No, Right click on ‘My Computer,’ and select properties on the menu.”
Customer: “Your computer? It’s my computer!”
Tech Support: “Ah, right. What operating system are you running?”
Customer: “Netscape.”
Tech Support: “No, what version of Windows are you using?”
Customer: “Uhhh…Hewlett Packard?”
Tech Support: “No, Right click on ‘My Computer,’ and select properties on the menu.”
Customer: “Your computer? It’s my computer!”
TWO GREEKS
Two geeks are talking over lunch.
The first guy says, “You wouldn’t believe what happened this morning. A girl rode up to me on her bike, took off all her clothes, and said ‘Take whatever you want!’ … So I took the bike”
The second guy says, “Good choice, her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”
MADAM COMPUTERS DO NOT HAVE CURTAINS.....!
A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.
She tells the salesman, “I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen.”
The surprised salesman replies, “But, madam, computers do not have curtains.”
And the blonde said, “Helloooo…. I’ve got Windows!”
PASSWORD REJECTED
A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.
Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter ‘penis.’
Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer’s response:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Sunday, June 16, 2013
AFTER ENGLISH PAPER
After Writing English Exam |
Boy1 : How Was The Paper ?
.
Boy2 : It Was Easy But Question 5
Confused Me :/
Boy2 : What Was It Saying ?
Boy1 : Question 5 Wanted The Past
Tense Of "Think".
.
. I Thought & Thought
& Thought And End Up With Writing
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Thunk"
Thursday, May 30, 2013
HUSBAND AND WIFE
Wife: You always carry my photo in
your hand bag to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem,
no matter how impossible, I look at
your picture and the problem
disappears.
Wife: You see, how powerful I am ?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture
and say to myself,"What other
problem can
there be greater than this one?
your hand bag to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem,
no matter how impossible, I look at
your picture and the problem
disappears.
Wife: You see, how powerful I am ?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture
and say to myself,"What other
problem can
there be greater than this one?
Watoto wa siku hizi
Police:"Where do you leave?"
Kid:"With my parents" Police:"Where do your parents leave?"
Kid:"With me."
Police:"Where do you all leave?"
Kid:"Together."
Police:"Where is your house?"
Kid:"Next to my neighbours." Police:"Where is your neighbours house?"
Kid:"If I tell you,you wont believe me!"
Police:"Just tell me."
Kid:"Next to my house :-P.
Kid:"With my parents" Police:"Where do your parents leave?"
Kid:"With me."
Police:"Where do you all leave?"
Kid:"Together."
Police:"Where is your house?"
Kid:"Next to my neighbours." Police:"Where is your neighbours house?"
Kid:"If I tell you,you wont believe me!"
Police:"Just tell me."
Kid:"Next to my house :-P.
TWO TERRORIST
Two Terrorists having a discussion in a bar.
The waiter asks them what the discussion was
about? Terrorist: We are planing to kill 14thousand people &
a donkey.
...
...
Waiter: Why a donkey? .
Then one terrorist tells the other.
"See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Two Math Students
Two math students, a boy and his girlfriend, are going to a fair. They are in
line to ride the ferris wheel when it shuts down.
The boy says: “It’s a sin for those people to keep us waiting like this!”
The girl replies: “No – it’s a cosin, silly!!!”
The boy says: “It’s a sin for those people to keep us waiting like this!”
The girl replies: “No – it’s a cosin, silly!!!”
TALKING FROG
A math student and a computer science student are jogging together in a park
when they hear a voice: “Please, help me!”
They stop and look. The voice belongs to a frog sitting in the grass.
“Please, help me!” the frog repeats. “I’m not really a frog: I’m an enchanted, beautiful princess. Kiss me, and the spell will be broken – and I will be yours forever…”
The CS student picks up the frog and examines it carefully from all sides – making not even an attempt to kiss it.
“You don’t have to marry me”, the frog continues frantically, “if you’re afraid of the commitment. I’ll do whatever you wish me to do if you just kiss me…”
The frog’s voice is silenced, when the CS student puts the animal into the right pocket of his pants.
“But why don’t you kiss her?!” the math student asks.
“You know”, the CS student replies, “I simply don’t have time for a girlfriend – but a frog that talks makes a really cool pet…”
They stop and look. The voice belongs to a frog sitting in the grass.
“Please, help me!” the frog repeats. “I’m not really a frog: I’m an enchanted, beautiful princess. Kiss me, and the spell will be broken – and I will be yours forever…”
The CS student picks up the frog and examines it carefully from all sides – making not even an attempt to kiss it.
“You don’t have to marry me”, the frog continues frantically, “if you’re afraid of the commitment. I’ll do whatever you wish me to do if you just kiss me…”
The frog’s voice is silenced, when the CS student puts the animal into the right pocket of his pants.
“But why don’t you kiss her?!” the math student asks.
“You know”, the CS student replies, “I simply don’t have time for a girlfriend – but a frog that talks makes a really cool pet…”
Saturday, March 30, 2013
An Idiot In the class
“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up.” said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.”Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired the teacher with a sneer.
“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.”Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired the teacher with a sneer.
“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”
Way To School
The new family in the neighborhood overslept and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus.
The father, though late for work himself, had to drive her. Since he did not know the way, he said that she would have to direct him to the school.
They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes – but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home.
The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she’d led him around in such a circle.
The child explained, “That’s the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It’s the only way I know.”
The father, though late for work himself, had to drive her. Since he did not know the way, he said that she would have to direct him to the school.
They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes – but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home.
The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she’d led him around in such a circle.
The child explained, “That’s the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It’s the only way I know.”
Son & Daddy
Son: I can’t go to school today.
Father: Why not?
Son: I don’t feel well
Father: Where don’t you feel well?
Son: In school!
Father: Why not?
Son: I don’t feel well
Father: Where don’t you feel well?
Son: In school!
DOCTOR! DOCTOR!
A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”
The doctor replied, “Show me.”
So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again.
She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”
The doctor replied, “Show me.”
So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again.
She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”
Really funny kid
A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery.
“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks.
“I´m having a baby.” – she replies.
“Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes.
“Yes, it is.” – she says.
“Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look.
“Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies.
Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?”
“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks.
“I´m having a baby.” – she replies.
“Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes.
“Yes, it is.” – she says.
“Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look.
“Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies.
Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?”
Yo' Mama Is So Stupid... Useless
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she's as useless as a screen door on a submarine.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Elimu ya TZ..
Elimu ya TZ..
Dogo la 4m3 akiongea na
mwenzake wakiwa tuition mapambano,
ghafla akawa anapita mwalimu wao..
Dogo: Toka lini mwalimu Zohan afundishe
masomo yote yeye mwenyewe, yani
history, hesabu, biology, chemistry na
kiswahili jamani.... Khaaa
Mwl. Zohan: Uliza utawala wenu toka lini
mwanafunzi mmoja akremu masomo yote,
wee computer?? Ntaacha kufundisha mpk
waongeze mishahara...
Dogo la 4m3 akiongea na
mwenzake wakiwa tuition mapambano,
ghafla akawa anapita mwalimu wao..
Dogo: Toka lini mwalimu Zohan afundishe
masomo yote yeye mwenyewe, yani
history, hesabu, biology, chemistry na
kiswahili jamani.... Khaaa
Mwl. Zohan: Uliza utawala wenu toka lini
mwanafunzi mmoja akremu masomo yote,
wee computer?? Ntaacha kufundisha mpk
waongeze mishahara...
CHEZEA MCHAGA WEWE,
CHEZEA MCHAGA WEWE,HAHAHA
Mangi alikufa alipofika mbinguni
akaulizwa na
MALAIKA: "Kushoto kwako ni peponi,
kulia ni Jehanam....ungependa uende
wapi?"
MANGI: "Nitabaki katikati ya Peponi
na Jehanam."
MALAIKA: "Kwanini?!"
MANGI: "Nikifungua duka hapo wote
wa Peponi na Jehanam watafika
kununua bidhaa..:SEMA WACHAGA
OYEEEE!
Mangi alikufa alipofika mbinguni
akaulizwa na
MALAIKA: "Kushoto kwako ni peponi,
kulia ni Jehanam....ungependa uende
wapi?"
MANGI: "Nitabaki katikati ya Peponi
na Jehanam."
MALAIKA: "Kwanini?!"
MANGI: "Nikifungua duka hapo wote
wa Peponi na Jehanam watafika
kununua bidhaa..:SEMA WACHAGA
OYEEEE!
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